This week social media and daytime television were alight with the Starbucks Red Cup Controversy. Starbucks announced that unlike previous years where they decorated their disposable coffee cups with Christmas imagery such as snowflakes, reindeer, wreaths and ornaments, this year, the company unveiled a minimalistic red cup, with their standard logo. Cries from the right showed displeasure at the lack of Christmas spirit, declaring that the lack of Christmas imagery meant that the company was fundamentally declaring war on Christmas. When pressed for comment, a spokesperson for Starbucks stated simply: “well yeah. We Fuckin’ hate Christmas. And all Christians. And this seemed like the most reasonable way to express that sentiment. Hail Satan, from our family at Starbucks to yours.”
Shocked Christians took to twitter immediately after the statement was released with pithy replies regarding The War on Christmas. One writer wrote “STARBUCKS ARE EMBLEMATIC OF THE CHRISTIAN CULTURE CLEANSING OF THE WEST”, another tweeted “There is nothing that could entice me to spend 1 penny at a @starbucks. Nothing. Bunch of radical liberal terrorists” and still another wrote “@Starbucks hey your shitty PC cups are fucked. Apparently @Starbucks is scared 2 participate in a holiday that <90% of Americans celebrate”
Starbucks responded with “Yeah. Christmas sucks, and it always has and we hate Santa and Jesus - SPECIFICALLY the Baby Jesus YUCK patooey - and presents are for gay babies and reindeer are stupid,” and then the spokesperson leaned to the left and farted, loudly.
“Oh and BY THE WAY,” they continued, “sorry our logo actually a pagan symbol for obsession, addiction and death. We apologize, because it appears your stupid Christian brains may not have realized that the woman in our green label with the perky breasts and weird twin-fishtail deal going on is a siren from Greek mythology. In mythology, sirens are consistently seen as a personification of the ocean. They're brutal sociopaths who murder you by making you wanna fuck em. According to scholars, they would sing an "irresistibly sweet" song that "lapped both body and soul in[to] a fatal lethargy" causing sailors to crash into rocks and die. Much in the same way that countless people have been seduced by the lure of overpriced coffee, buying cup after cup until they finally succumb, buying an Apple laptop and spending the rest of their lives at one of those tiny tables, joining the other broken victims. Again, Hail Satan, from our family at Starbucks to yours!”
After Starbucks broke their silence on waging their war on Christmas, other companies came forward to publicly take a stand against what is arguably one of America’s favorite traditions. Macy’s issued a statement that said “Yeah, when we asked our greeters at our stores to greet customers with a ‘Happy Holidays’ instead of ‘Merry Christmas’, it wasn’t in the spirit of multiculturalism. What we were really saying was Fuck White People and Fuck Jesus Christ. Did that not come through? Shit sorry, we thought we were being cute.”
The Gap, known for their 2009 ad campaign “"Go Christmas, Go Hanukkah, Go Kwanzaa, Go solstice... go Christmas, go Hanukkah, go whatever holiday you Wannakuh” released a statement which was just a picture of their CEO Arthur L Peck shitting in a manger, wrapped with soft christmas lights, flipping off the photographer. Target, who also came under fire for removing the word “Christmas” entirely from all ad avenues, including online and in print, responded to the American Family Association’s nationwide boycott by lining the ramparts of their stores with the heads of local baptists.
Republican Presidential Candidate Donald Trump said at a rally "If I become president, we're all going to be saying 'Merry Christmas' again.” Starbucks fired back by tweeting “If @RealDonaldTrump becomes President we’ll all be saying “*satanic noises*” Hail Satan From our family at Starbucks to yours.!”
On Thursday emails were leaked from within the Starbucks company indicating a further push after the red cups. Verbatim, the emails said “Step One: Make all those dang cups red. Step Two: Find all virgins within Company. Step Three: Slaughter them for sacrifice upon the alter of Lucifer. Step Four: Use blood instead of espresso shots in all beverages from here on out. Step Five: Burn all Christmas Trees. Step Six: RAPE Santa. Step Seven: HOLIDAY party at Corp. Headquarters BYOB!” Outraged, many Christians called for action, although mostly they tweeted and made stupid videos and got to be on CNN where cool liberal talking heads told them they were idiots. “But no! This really is a WAR ON CHRISTMAS!” cried evangelical vlogger and actual Chaz Bono impersonator Josh Feuerstein, but was shot down by the now open and powerful LIBERAL MEDIA. When Rachel Maddow addressed the nation on her radio program, she said “They have realized what we have been doing for centuries. We plan on rounding up all the Christians and persecuting them by stripping them of fun fun reindeer coffee cups. If your spoiled American ass needs to be catered to in every facet of your life, including but not limited to: having every corporation make you a special good boy cup for your ghostly man holiday? Maybe quit being an entitled little bitch long enough to take a bath and be alone with your rotten baby thoughts and try to meditate on if the universe is going to quietly go dark or if it's actually cooking us to death. It'll put a lot of things into perspective. HAPPY HOLIDAYS”
She then spread her enormous bat wings, and took flight as one of the four Horseman of the Liberal Apocalypse along with Bill Maher, Bernie Sanders and Susan Sarandon. Together they took to the skies to spell out in flames “Hail Satan From our family at Starbucks to yours.!”